It's a fascinating thing, the way that we so often put ourselves through hell when we know better. There is a battle waged between the emotional brain and the logical brain, and although logic seems black and white, the emotional side begins to fill in shades of gray. I have a habit of doing this. I tend to put myself into the most difficult, painful, complicated situations because I can see that slim, sliver of a chance that things can work out. I am not sure what you'd call it, but I have a kind of complex where I always believe that something is possible. It's infectious, to some degree, and it eats away at me. I try to take the world onto my shoulders, I try to guide people through dark environments where I will lay myself down for all of the pain, as if I can take it away from them and bring it onto myself. Sort of an emotional "Green Mile." I push my own feelings into a corner, I box myself in, and I allow myself to get broken down piece by piece. I don't do it because I enjoy it, because it's pretty goddamn miserable. I do it because I want to help, I want to take someone's pain away, I want to be able to shake that person and tell them the truth in a way that they can recognize. It isn't always easy, because most people will ignore the truth even if they know it. They will push it down inside of themselves and pretend that things are not as bad as they are. They will pretend that they are happy because it's easier than accepting that they are miserable. The thing about it is, I never wanted to live a fake life and I never wanted to lie to myself. We all do sometimes, it's unavoidable, but I'll take truth over bullshit any day. Give me pain, heartbreak, anger, but give me truth regardless. You know that infectious thing I mentioned earlier? Some people call it "hope." I'm beginning to believe that it is one of the worst things in the world.
So yes, I'm pretty unhappy at the moment. I suppose I've been unhappy for a little while. Some of you reading this may remember a previous post of mine where I discussed losing this person that I loved. Well, I've lost her again. Actually, "lost" isn't the right word. That implies that I misplaced her, or that I did something to result in her absence from my life, but the truth of the matter is that I did everything I could to keep this person. Maybe that was my mistake, haven't figured that part of it out yet. Regardless, I've lost her. Which brings up an interesting question: did I ever really have her? I'm not sure of that answer. For a while, I believed that I did. I saw the look in her eye, her body language, the way she smiled at me, touched me, kissed me. The way that we made love, the way that she fell asleep draped over my body. Maybe she did and it died, or maybe she thought she loved me but it was just heightened interest. Maybe she does in fact love me, but finds herself unable to be with me. I'm not really sure, but I've reached a place where I feel like I've done and said just about everything a man can to show love, to give love. My therapist had an interesting thought about it: what if she doesn't actually want love?
You have to understand, without revealing too much, this is a woman who has spent her life feeling as though she is not worthwhile and she has learned to find comfort in the familiarity of miserable and mistreatment. Treating her well, giving her love, these things cause greater fear in her heart than the misery that another can bring to her. I am not, and I never would, allow myself to treat her poorly. I love her, and yes I do still love her, and I wanted to give her whatever I could, but I don't know now that she could have been then, nor is able to now, accept love and trust it. It's sort of like a set of lines from my favorite Emily Dickinson poem: "I like a look of agony / because I know it's true." I don't know that this is the case, but I do know this one simple fact: When you love someone, when you truly love that person, you find a way. I have bent myself into all manner of shapes to conform to the world as has been necessary to be beside her. However, she has proven to be less flexible than myself. I am unsure if this is a result of her not loving me, or her loving someone else more. Couldn't say for sure, but it hurts all the same.
It's been a difficult year. Yeah, it's been a year. I have fought and exerted myself. I have bent and cracked and fractured. I've risked my physical safety, had my life threatened, surrendered my emotional well being and, in a sense, allowed myself to get thrown aside. It is inexplicable, the feeling of being tossed away like you are meaningless. No matter what someone says, if they are not with you or working to be with you, than they don't want to be. It's that simple. It's difficult to see the harshness of the truth, but to have your emotions telling you that it isn't true. Not because it isn't, but because you don't want it to be. As someone who adores truth, I have been denying myself that very thing. People will give you all of that bullshit about love, you know, how if you let someone go and they come back that it is meant to be. That isn't really how it works. Sometimes, when you love someone, you let them go and you do so not because they are going to come back, but because they are not going to come back. Sadly, by letting go of her, I am giving her the freedom she so craves, but she is going to sacrifice that freedom by returning to the vicious cycle of abuse and neglect she has experienced at the hands of this other person.
She can't see it. I wish I could show it to her, but I've got enough knowledge in this field and experience with her particular situation that I can make a pretty educated guess of what is going to happen. And it makes me sad, and it makes me angry. It's so difficult to watch someone you care about, someone you love, allow themselves to be treated in this way. However, you can't save them. They have to save themselves. This is a very difficult lesson for me to learn, and I'm not sure that I fully accept it but it does seem to be true in most cases. How do you break someone out from a prison cell that they choose to go back into? I guess you can't, you can just watch. Maybe it's like dealing with a child - sometimes you have to let them fall down so they can learn. Maybe I need to let her fall so that she can learn to lift herself up. I worry, however, that she'll just stay on the ground resigned to the life that she has selected to follow. She's a woman who ties a lot of anchors to herself and finds it incomprehensible that she can't swim across the sea. She just doesn't see the anchors.
But I can't change her, and I can't save her, and I can't live her life for her. I can only be here, as I am, and that puts me in this complicated situation where I have to watch the woman I love slowly sink into the dark. I have to believe, I have to have some faith, that she will pull herself out of it eventually. And if she doesn't, I have to ultimately accept that there is nothing I can do about it. People come in and out of our lives, and some stay in our head forever. Some stay in our heart forever. She is someone who will be with me forever, and although one day she may exit my life and I may never lay eyes on her again, I know that she will always be a part of me and I will always worry for her and wonder. Love... is not ever that easy. I love her, and I have to let go and hope that she makes it ashore. I don't know if she'll ever read these words. She used to visit this page, to read the poetry I was writing about her, but lately she's doing her best to put up walls between she and I. Maybe, one day, she'll be curious enough to look. I hope that if she does, she'll know I cared and she'll know I tried. If not, I just hope that she can make it through all of this.
Beautiful things are corrupted and destroyed every day. The love that takes a lifetime to give, can be crushed in such a small amount of time. The spirit that is broken over time can take a lifetime to rebuild. She is one beautiful thing that I truly hope survives because this world will be lacking one of its brightest lights if she never finds a way to shine again.