*dreamsinstatic

It has been a little while since I've written something. I find I'm experiencing a little block. I've had plenty of thoughts, a lot of ideas circulating through my mind but I've found it difficult to conjure the words with which to put those thoughts down. Its driving me a little crazy but I'm hoping soon I will be able to get something out. Maybe I'll start asking around if anyone has any ideas of something for me to write. Hope to bust out of this rut by the end of the week.

Currently I'm working on a poem about the woman I'm in love with. I'm finding my mind is racing so much, there is such a swell of emotion when I think of her it is difficult to capture it down accurately. A little back story.. her and I got together in 2006 (March 10th, 2006 to be precise.) There is something special about her, something amazing, something so powerful. How do you take a feeling so magnificent and translate that? This is my issue. I have gotten some of it down, and I'm hoping to complete it soon but I don't want to rush it. I want to allow my emotions to express themselves the right way, I want my words to be free when they come. I admit, I'm kind of giddy. There was a period where I was afraid I'd never see her again, a time where I thought I'd spend the rest of my life hopelessly loving her from afar. Having her come back into my life, having her share in this love and express to me the same sentiments that I shared with her has revitalized me. I feel so.. incredible. I'm so in love with her. This woman is the love of my life. There has never been another person for whom I've felt these feelings, no one else I could ever see myself growing old with. She is my everything, she is my entirety. I love her. I'm happy.

Sometimes, on a weekend afternoon, I find myself walking out onto the deck and staring into the horizon. Watching the sun slink ever closer to the mountain tops spreading this beautiful golden light across the sky, bouncing off the clouds. It is in these moments that I start to feel my most lonely. Not so much a loneliness that overwhelms, but when you're sitting there, looking at something this beautiful you want to share it with someone. I find myself wondering how long it will be until someone is at my side, someone who will treasure things like this the way that I do.
There is one person in particular on my mind when it comes to that, however, I'm far too realistic to allow myself to be carried any further along this pipe dream without something more to solidify that belief. I wanted to share it with you, but I can't unless you want it too. All signs say that you don't, and that's ok. Its something I will learn to accept. Its just difficult when you realize all those possibilities, all those chances at something wonderful are just slipping through your fingertips. I learned a long time ago you can't make people want something if they don't already want it, and thats reality.
I think of the past, those who have shared that view with me, those I wanted to share it with. I don't know what has happened to me in the past few years. Relationships bound to failure, happiness almost an impossibility. Granted, I am happy in myself, just cannot seem to find a balance with another. I used to wonder if maybe I were one of those who was just meant to be alone, and perhaps thats an excessively emo statement, and yes it probably is but sometimes you can't help but feel that way. Maybe one day it will make sense, until then I've got this view, this blue sky and golden sun, these clouds and gentle winds. They'll be here for me, until she comes. Whomever she may be.