I want to get a few things off my chest. I have been on dA for six years now, although I've been writing for a lot longer than that. I originally began writing as a young kid and it was an escape for me. I could create the worlds I wanted to live in, I could have the friends I wanted to have, win the girl, conquer the enemy. I discovered poetry in my early teens and it quickly became the area I wanted to focus on. I've never been so optimistic as to believe that I was going to make some sort of a career out of it, although that is a dream I wish I could construct into reality. That being said, I lost the purpose somewhere along the way. Poetry was, for me, this ultimate way of expressing all of the chaos inside of me, my views on the world, my experiences, my dreams and my fears. It was as much an extension of me as anything else could be. However, I slowly found that I was beginning to write words that didn't connect the way that I wanted, that didn't say what I wanted, and out of some necessity or compulsion, I continued to post them here. Yes, there were some diamonds in there, but there were also some lumps of coal. I don't feel a poem I craft has as much power or purpose if I don't feel it screaming inside of me, fighting to get out. So, I wanted to take a step back. I took a lot of my work and I locked it up in storage and my gallery is fairly empty. Eventually, I'll unlock a good portion of them, but I wanted to edit them and sharpen them and though I may never be a famous poet, I'd like to see some grace the pages of a book someday. That being said, I'm not going to fall into the trapping of perfection anymore. I want to make mistakes, write some bad lines, adjust, and learn from it. I want to continue the evolution of my style, to learn new methods of expression, to experiment with different forms and see what happens. For a while I was worried, like I had some reputation to uphold and as such I had to stay inside of a box. Well, I'm not going to do that anymore so you're going to start seeing some very, very different things from me. Some you'll like, some you'll hate, and I'm sure I'll feel the same way as you from time to time, but I want to expand and I want to be more of the poet I dream of being.
I needed a break, and I took it over the course of the past week or two. I needed to recharge, to find myself, because I was lost. Yes, I've got some things going on in my personal life that can be both uplifting and damaging, but this is the man that I am and I no longer want to try and be something that I am not. Whether that is good enough for the people around me remains to be seen, but to be true to myself is definitely good enough for me. I am a confusing guy and I feel lost more often than not, but I know a lot of who I am. I love deeply, I fight for the things I believe in, I refuse to surrender in the face of overwhelming odds and I find something beautiful even in tragedy. I don't know that I am enough for some people, or that I could be, but this is the man that I am and I have to believe that if I cannot add up in someone's mind than I am just not a part of the equation that they're interested in solving. I feel sort of like a kite set adrift on the wind, tied to a tree with no hand manipulating my string. I dive and I whirl, I swing and I soar, but is the person I'm trying to fly for even watching? Time is going to tell, and I am going to continue down the road that I have chosen. Ultimately, it is an inherent belief of mine that you cannot walk away from the things you truly want in life and there is no better way to tell whether or not someone wants you around than to see if they actually have you around. Dreams are sweet, and wishes are wonderful, but action that solidifies the truth and intention of words is progress and progress is what is necessary. So, if you want me, take me, and if you don't, then I'll see you around this big blue marble sometime.
Maybe it doesn't all make sense, and maybe I don't either. However, new things are coming and I am going to live my way, write my way and no longer be afraid to pursue those things which I've always believed to be just out of reach. For those of you who know me, read my work, talk to me on a personal level, don't be too shy. I always enjoy seeing someone reach out. It's nice to feel wanted or missed. It's nice to feel. It's nice to be where you want to be while being where you are also wanted. So, here I am. Show me something and I'll come a little closer.